A letter to LG

{a rambling and all sorts of random thoughts and emotions from a mama who is in desperate need of His grace and is tired, emotional and seven months pregnant!)

Londyn Grace,

      July. Our last month as a family of three. Your last month as an only child. Mama has been a mess today.

     I am feeling so emotional about your brother's arrival. I am nervous about how you will respond to

picture from laundry day last week!

sharing Mommy and how Mommy will handle taking care of two babies. You are still nursing at naptime and bedtime (more out of routine and for comfort than anything I know, but I treasure our rocking and nursing time so much) and I don't know how that will work with Liam needing Mommy for that, too. It's been just the two of us during the day for twenty one months, yet it's gone so fast. For the most part I have treasured every second, but there are times when I wish I would've just put the phone and/or the camera away and lived in the moment with you instead of trying to get the perfect picture of it. Those are moments I won't get back and even though I have pictures to look at, I should've just hugged you a little longer, played with you a little more without stressing over the lighting or your dress being just so. But then there are the moments I don't have pictures of that mean so very much to me. Like when you wake up in the morning and lay in your bed calling for me until I say "Come in here, Goosey!" and you toddle across the floor and raise your hands so I can lift you into bed and ask you if you slept well as you snuggle in next me. Or like you sitting on the counter and helping me make our morning pancakes, identifying the utensils "tongs, moose (spoon!), bowl" and ingredients (butter, water, etc.) then making sure I close the lid on the syrup bottle after I put the syrup on. I never want to forget how you fold your little hands and remind me to pray for Daddy if I neglect to mention him when we thank God for our breakfast! Like when you help me do laundry by pushing the buttons on the washer or help me package boxes for my business by getting my mailing labels from the printer. Like when you get so excited about the landscapers mowing the neighbors grass or the trash truck picking up the garbage and you stand and watch out the window until it drives away. Like our naptime rocking, when you nurse awhile then talk awhile then nurse awhile and talk awhile until you eventually fall asleep in my arms. I'll never regret the time I've taken to rock you each day. Goodness, I just wish I could keep you this age forever. 

   Today, you woke up a little earlier than I expected. You went to bed late last night due to an unusually long nap yesterday afternoon so I thought you might sleep in, but you were up at seven asking for "churros" {cheerios}. We went downstairs and you ate a few cheerios then we came up so I could make the bed and tidy up the bedrooms. After that you asked for oatmeal so back to the kitchen we went. You did great staying dry and going on the potty all morning! Around eleven, we got dressed to go make a church visit with Daddy. Even though you haven't been going down for your nap until two, you fell asleep as soon as we pulled out of the driveway.

    Daddy had other church errands to run so you slept for about 45 minutes in your carseat. We decided to stop at Chipotle for lunch before visiting Mrs. Elaine (an elderly lady in our church) and you ate so well which isn't always the case these days! You had rice and beans and even ate several bites of a cheese quesadilla. You drank a juice box and enjoyed people watching, saying hello to each new customer that entered the restaurant. A man at a nearby booth told Daddy he'd better buy a shotgun! We hear that a lot about you, pretty girl! :)

   At Mrs. Elaine's apartment, you played with her musical stuffed animals and enjoyed singing with them. You are quite the entertainer.

  After our visit, Daddy dropped us off at home and headed back to his office. This is where a tired, pregnant mama and a babe who only napped for 45 minutes made for a not so great afternoon. Daddy wanted me to rest, but since you had already napped you weren't wanting to lay down. You had some "mapoose" (what you call nursing, I still don't know where that came from!) and played on the bed. Every time I closed my eyes, you would say "Mommy?! Mommy?! Mommy?!" and put your face in mine and kiss me to get to me to wake up so I decided to get up and start packing for our vacation.

   Then you had an accident. And another. And then another...this time on Mommy and Daddy's bed resulting in a stripping and washing of the blankets and sheets and a scrubbing of the mattress. I don't know what happened since you haven't done this since Day Two of potty training a few weeks ago, but needless to say I was frustrated and was very impatient with you. I feel so awful about it now. I haven't had many days in your almost two years that I can say I would want to do over, but today is definitely one of them. You are getting so big, but you are still so small, still a baby yourself at two days shy of 21 months old. I need to remember that. You have done absolutely amazing with potty training and one rough afternoon doesn't change how hard you have worked at this. I am so proud of you, Goosey, and so sorry about how I responded to you this afternoon.

   Yet in all of it, in the midst of my terrible mood, you kept hugging me and wanting me to hold you and pulling me in for kisses and calling for me if I wasn't in your line of sight. You are the sweetest baby. You love so deeply.

   You reminded me again today of what it means to love without limits. To love when the other person isn't acting lovely.

   So as we begin this month, our last month of life as we've known it for the last (almost) 2 years, I am praying that the Lord will help me to soak in every moment with you. I didn't do so well today, but tomorrow I will try again. I want to sit in the floor with you and build blocks. I want to take you on more "rides" in your stroller since you love it so much. I want to watch you play and listen to your little voice as you talk about anything and every thing. I know we will make a new normal with your baby brother and I just know you're going to be the best big sister, but I'm so afraid that I won't be able to give you the attention you are so used to. I pray He will help me be all you and Liam (and Daddy!) need.

   I love you, Lovey Lou, more than words will ever express adequately.

                                    Love, Mama

(she has done so well with potty training and I plan to post on what we did/method we used soon! I think the rough afternoon came from her drinking a little more than normal)