I just rocked you to sleep for the last time before you turn one. ONE. Never before has such a small number held such big meaning. Never before has the mention of it, brought tears to my eyes, but tonight it did.
Tonight, you nursed as we rocked as you have every night for the last 364 nights, but tonight it meant so much more than it ever has before. You made me giggle as you played while eating, making silly sounds, pulling off to smile at me, and even playfully biting. I let you play a little longer than I normally do before singing the only song that will help you drift off to sleep. A song I made up many months ago while we were still trying to get used to each other, figure out this mama and baby thing, find our groove with nursing. It’s quite repetitive and there’s really not much to it, but it’s our song and that’s what makes it so special.
Go to sleep. Go to sleep. Go to sleep, little Londyn.
Mama loves you so much. Mama loves you, Londyn girl.
Go to sleep, sweetie babe. Mama loves you, my darlin’.
Go to sleep my Lovey Lou.
Go to sleep, baby dear. Mama loves you, sweet baby.
Go to sleep. You need to rest. Mama loves you, Londyn girl.
As I began singing, your eyes got heavy along with my heart.
Sleep came easily for you tonight. Some nights you put up quite a fight. I played with your hair and rocked and rocked some more, stroking the softness of your legs, touching each of your tiny toes.
I couldn’t seem to find the ability to get up out of the chair to lay you in your crib. Your birthday cake sat downstairs needing to be iced and there were a few chores left to do before we have company tomorrow, but I rocked a little longer anyway.
When I stood up, cradled you in my arms, and took the first steps toward your crib, they came.
The tears came.
I kissed your cheek and whispered a prayer of praise to the Lord for the precious privilege of an entire year with you.
With an “I love you” and another kiss came more tears.
Instead of laying you in your crib, I took you into Daddy so he could kiss you, too.
He did and told you how much he loves you.
He told me he read all of your monthly posts today and couldn’t believe how much you’ve grown and changed.
He wanted to hold you, too, so with more tears and another kiss, I placed you in his arms.
It’s so hard to believe it has been almost one year since we first held you.
Now we can’t imagine not having you in our arms.
Last October 2nd, I went to bed with you in my belly, unaware of the fact that you would make your entrance within just a few short hours.
Now, you are resting on Daddy’s chest while I finish up the preparations for big day.
My life will never be the same because you are in it. You have shown me a whole new level of love. The Lord has used you to teach me so much about Himself, to help to understand just how much He loves me. The love I have for you though greater than any love I’ve ever felt pales in comparison to His love for His children. Oh how I pray, you will understand what He did for you at a young age!
Over the last year, we have become the best of friends. Living three and half hours from family is hard, but you have filled that void in the most wonderful way. We do everything together, and I wouldn’t change that for anything.
You sleep best when snuggled next to me.
You cry when I leave the room without you.
You are my constant companion.
You are in the backseat on every errand I run.
I know you won’t always need me like you need me now, but I’m savoring every second while you do.
Words usually come so easily for me, but tonight my thoughts are all over the place.
There is so much I want to express to you, so you’ll always know what an incredible blessing you are.
Mama loves you, Goosey. Just know that above all else.
Know that you made her dream of becoming a mama a reality.
Know that you filled her heart with a joy she had never felt before.
It’s been an amazing journey. We’ve accomplished so much, by God’s grace!
We met our goal of nursing for a year. During our struggles in the beginning, I often wondered if we’d make it through the day. Your mouth was so tiny and mama made just enough milk for you, not a drop extra! I’ll never forget how hopeless I felt when there was barely an ounce combined after pumping for a half hour! After we put the pump away and just let you nurse as much and as long as you needed to, we finally got the hang of it.
And here we are, you are a healthy 18 pounds and have never tasted another milky but Mama’s.
We have the Lord and your Daddy to thank for that! Daddy kept encouraging Mama to keep going even when I worried if I was giving you all that you needed! The Lord enabled me to make what you needed and to sustain you through your first year!
I am so glad we kept going.
Looking back, I don’t have many regrets. I truly believe I have treasured your baby days.
You’ve only slept through the night once, but instead of getting frustrated with you, I remind myself that you are only little once.
Some may think you are spoiled and held too much, but that’s okay with me.
I’ll be thankful I did when you no longer fit in my arms.
Watching you grow has been one of the biggest blessings I’ve ever been given.
You are so curious, so determined, so sweet.
You are friendly and happy.
You are my baby and always will be. Daddy reminded me of that tonight as the tears fell. You may grow up, but you will always be our baby.
I love you. Always and always. Forever and ever. No matter what.
Happy First Birthday, Silly Head! I can’t wait until you wake up in the morning!